Passing families values while you’re passing the peas.

(and feel free to pass this email to friends and family!) 

We met with an older couple to glean from their wisdom about parenting ministry. We asked them what they thought were the important “keys” we should be passing on to parents. The husband smiled wistfully. His eyes radiated layers of warm memories. “People ask us, ‘How did you raise five kids to be solid, faith-filled adults?’  I just tell ‘em – we shared life together at the table!” 

Is it really that simple? 

What do the experts and research tell us? 

“One of the core predictors of children’s well-being and academic success is how much time they spend eating with adults.” Bill Doherty, Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy program, U of M 

“A revival of the family dinner in America will do more to curb kids from smoking, drinking and using drugs than any law or public health campaign.” National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse 2005 report  

Impact of family meals: Children who eat at least three meals with their families each week are less likely to smoke, use drugs or alcohol, or engage in sexual activity. They experience less stress, depression, obesity and other eating disorders. These children do better in school, eat more nutritionally, and have better social skills, character and manners.    

Discussions at family meals: Teens report that they typically cover the following topics at family dinners: school and sports (86%), friends and social activities (76%), current events (63%) and family issues or problems (58%). “Religious matters” is the topic that the greatest percentage of teens say they wish they could honestly discuss with their parents over dinner (51%)!   

For those to whom the Biblical story is important, we find numerous occasions of the importance of shared meals. The most famous of these is of course “The Last Supper” where Jesus introduces the ritual of communion, and important spiritual teaching. The Old Testament Passover meal starts a joyous seven day festival – with plenty of time for story telling and teaching of faith principles. In Luke 7 Jesus shared such joyous connection at meals with a great variety of people, that the Pharisees accused him of being a “glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of the worst sort of sinners!”  God strengthened family, faith and community by proclaiming various extended festivals to bring his people together over bountiful meals.  

But in today’s fast-food-on-the-fly culture, we frequently miss these deep connective opportunities shared meals can provide. As summer draws to an end, let’s all take some time to block off nights on our fall calendars to share family meals. These meals provide a platform for the most important opportunity we can give our kids: a warm, connected peaceful home. This connection then becomes the conduit through which we pass, faith and values to our children. 

Practical Tips for Mealtimes

·         Involve the children in the meal preparation. It’s a great time to build values about responsibility and teamwork, and teach a few cooking skills while you’re at it.

·         Establish and keep the rule that meals are to be relaxed time for eating and connection, not just a feeding frenzy! Make sure children know when the meal starts and finishes.

·         TURN OFF THE TV! Over 1/3 of families eat their meals while watching TV.

·         Save conflict issues for another time. Make a conscious effort to leave stress behind and set a positive tone at the table.

Creative Connection Ideas

·         Take the meal to a special place: porch, patio, by the fireplace hearth.

·         Let children take turns choosing and then helping prepare a special meal of their favorite food.

·         Meals can be a wonderful time to talk about highlights of the day, share prayer requests, or take turns thinking of a question to talk about. “How were you a blessing to someone today?” or – “Who blessed you today?” “Was there a time today when you clearly remembered God’s love for you?” are questions that can be a fresh as the experiences of the day, and build deep values.

·         One mom of a younger family shares, “We choose one person to have a special plate, placemat and glass. After prayer we go around the table and we each say what we love about this “special person.” The kids love it because it is so nice for them to hear what everyone thinks of them.  My husband and I also like to hear what they have to say about us when it is our turn for the special plate.”   

No matter what we do as parents, there are no guarantees. But it sure seems compelling, and indeed, rather simple to prioritize family meals.  

OTHER RESOUCES: Drawing Families Together, One Meal at a Time, Jill Kimball.  

Keep Talking – Conversation Starters for the Family Meal, Barbara Z. Carlson   

Putting Family First: Successful Strategies for Reclaiming Family Life in a Hurry-Up World, Dr. William Doherty